Friday, January 29, 2010

Top 10 Lamest Sidekicks in Geekdom!


10.) Jason Todd Robin. Batman caught this little douche trying to steal the tires off the Batmobile, and instead of giving him a batarang-upside-the-head, bats decides to take this little street urchin in and tell him all of his deepest secrets! Anywho, he was a whiny and annoying punk, and in 1988, when DC decided to let the fans decide whether or not he gets killed by The Joker by doing a phone-in vote, they voted over-whelmingly to have the brat whacked! And even though DC decided to revive Todd years later as the Red Hood, it seems that a good long dirt-nap was just what he needed to make him less-annoying.

9.) Blip The Monkey From Space Ghost. I know, I know, you say; "how can you not like him - he's a cute lil' monkey in a superhero suit!" And it's true; he's a very cute monkey in an adorable outfit, but when you add said monkey to a really cool superhero like Space Ghost, it just takes away from the awesome. I know that the two kids wouldn't be missed if they were sucked into a black hole, but I'm a little more tolerant of the kid sidekicks - maybe having kids of my own has made me soft? But when you add an annoying pet who is sure to nearly get the hero killed in every episode with their bumbling incompetence, my balloon knot puckers with irritation!


8.) Gleek The Monkey From The Superfriends. See above.
Why does Gleek rank higher in lameness? I think it's that irritating sound that he makes.


7.) Dynomutt. Once again, you have what could be a really cool character like The Blue Falcon, and you hold him back by saddling him with a talking robot dog wearing little green booties. And once again, he nearly gets the hero killed with his mind-numbing incompitance at every turn! And did I mention that he talks? No I mean he talks alot... all the time, in fact. I can't understand why "BF" didn't retire this dog to "the farm" in episode one!


6.) Orko from The Masters of The Universe. Orko is a floating sack of crap whose only redeeming quality is that he's short enough to see up Teela's skirt. 'Nuff said.


5.) Snarf From Thundercats. Movie executives: please do not screw up the live-action Thundercats movie by adding a cgi Jar-Jar Binks in an alien cat costume! A perfect case for humane euthanasia if I've ever seen one.


4.) Wendy, Marvin & Wonder-Dog From The Superfriends. Where do I start with these three? I don't know who I should be more upset with; the Superfriends for endangering two children with no powers or protection whatsoever, or the kids and dog themselves, who seemed to have a full time job of doing nothing more than getting themselves kidnapped and putting the whole team in jeapordy in EVERY...DAMN...EPISODE! I know, I'll get mad at the generic bad guy who didn't pull a "Jason Todd" and off 'em when he had the chance! Did I mention that Jason's mother screwed him over and gave him up to the Joker? You know you must suck if your own mom gives you up to the Joker!


3.) H.E.R.B.I.E. The Robot From The 1979 Fantastic Four Cartoon. No, I don't know what his name stands for. I don't care - he sucks. From my earlier poist/rant; "Somewhere in a crazy place called "The Seventies", executive at Hana-Barbara and Marvel Comics felt that it was time to create a new Fantastic Four cartoon; the first since the original 1967-69 much beloved series. But viewing children as total idiots, they felt that if they featured the Human Torch, children would feel compelled to imitate him by dousing themselves in gasoline, yelling "Flame on!", lighting themselves on fire, and just to insure no chance of survival; jump from a really high place so that they could "fly".

Enter the robotic a$$-clown; Herbie! a character so God-awful boring and vile, that it would be another twenty years before Jar-Jar Binks would come along to replace him as number one hosebag."

2.) Scrappy-Doo. I know, I said that Herbie would be second behind Jar-Jar, but I forgot about this little lesson in "Jumping The Shark". Scrappy is the much-despised "nephew" of the much-beloved Scooby Doo, but who is his father/mother and therefore Scooby's long-lost brother or sister?!? Don't care - he sucks. I remember watching this cartoon at the tender age of five and wondering; WTF?!?

1.) The destroyer of childhood expectations; Jar-Jar Binks. Wow, I remember seeing the early promos for The Phantom Menace and thinking; "it looks pretty good, but I don't know about that alien character - oh well, he's probably only in it for a second"

Ever since I first sat in the movie theatre as a young and naive four-year old, and had those first "flying words" read to me; "EPISODE 4: A New Hope", and I thought to my self; "What the?!? Episode 4?!? That means there must be three more movies just as awesome as this one!!!" Of course, I later learned that the first three hadn't yet been made, and so began the twenty-two year wait for.... Jar-Jar Binks. Thanks Lucas, YOU SUCK!

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